I was once told…… “You think to much”
When I heard that, I think I freaked. I mean, I freaked worse than I probably was when I was delivered the message. I didn’t like hearing it, and I started to question every little thing about my thinking. It turned me inwards deeper than before. I think the messenger was trying to verbally slap me across the face to get me to stop. Calm me down. I don’t remember the entire context of the situation but his message dangles in my psyche whenever I get overwhelmed with life. And by the way….I do remember it reduced me to a puddle of tears. And a lifetime of questioning everything I believe.
I woke up this morning. Early. Like really early. I didn’t want to be awake. Reason….. Because my whole body was a mess. Like it frequently is. You see, I dared “do something” yesterday. I went to pay a bill and get a few groceries. Not much. I knew it was going to take me out for today, and maybe tomorrow as well. But that still doesn’t stop me from being hopeful that one day my body will magically not be an asshole and I will be some a semblance of “well.” It’s really hard to explain the sensations and discord my body goes through after being upright and mobile for too long. Lets just say it acts as if you have a really nasty case of the flu. Best comparison I can come up with. The fatigue, pain and often times digestion issues are awful. My limbs feel heavy and weak. My muscles ache. I am dizzy at times, and my vision gets messed up. My heart can race, and blood pools in my extremities. Dysautonomia becomes pronounced. And the worst part is, that you wish like you could crawl out of your skin and leave it behind.
So every time I make plans, or need to venture out, it’s a measure of strength, and checks and balances. Most times it doesn’t balance. Most times I dread the fall out before it even happens. It’s enough to make anyone agoraphobic.
And that I pretty much am once again. And not because of panic attacks like I once was before. It’s more of a practical form. A choice……
Is there such a thing?
So here I am…..Thinking
At least I do!