It’s beautiful moments like this picture brings….little images or experiences that keep me holding on. Beyond that I can’t seem to find a reason for my existence anymore. Yes, I think of being done a lot these days. Call it suicidal if you will. I won’t lie, it crosses my mind almost daily but I am to chicken to make it happen. Each day is a new beginning, but I have also learned that each moment is more precious than even a new day. My pain is off the charts today. I finally decided to take a Tylenol. EXTRA STRENGTH. It’s the only thing I will allow myself besides rest, a bath with epsom salts if I had some, and distractions that have become, Mundane…..Boring. I am depressed. It waxes and wanes with the pain. The worse the pain, the worse the dark cloud and spiraling. I even looked at places and the cost of living for assisted living housing. Something I dread but know is coming. According to findings I don’t have enough. This adds fuel to an already depressing reality. I see my therapist on Thursday. I have waited three weeks to see her. These are the things I need to discuss and find help in making decisions for my future…..You see I did a thing yesterday. I geared myself up and went to visit my father in the hospital. The visit was nice, and I saw three of my four siblings. But by the time I left I barely made it back to my car. The pain and fatigue had taken me out. But I would never let on…..If someone asked I would hesitate to tell the truth. But then I would. With a smile.
I guess that cancels out your credibility, but no one can handle tears either. I’ve also learned that no one knows how to respond to the truth either. So I sat on the edge of my carseat and literally began tearing my leg splint off, it was caught up in my pants, but I managed to finally get it off…..short of removing my pants right there in the parking lot. I actually considered it, or driving with a dangling splint. I knew I couldn’t drive home with the thing on, it was digging into my shin and actually makes things harder in so many ways. It changes my gait and adds weight that I am to deconditioned too handle. I was also starving and knew that when I got home I couldn’t cook even if there was food available. My fridge is bleak and the thought of one more egg, or some yogurt was unappetizing. Much less cooking up some rice with a frozen vegetable. It seemed daunting. I wanted a real meal. So I stopped at Noodles and ordered some Pad Thai. Not the best, but at least someone else cooked it. I settled in and decided I was proud of myself for eating out alone for probably the first time since I worked at the mall. After a few bites and the lack of vegetables and the glorious taste of the only sprig of cilantro they gave me, I packed up my food and headed home where I knew I had a fresh bunch Of cilantro(a week old) but still somewhat crisp. I could make it better, more appetizing. I pulled into my garage and noticed my neighbor was moving out. We hardly ever saw one another, but I had talked to her a few times in the past year. She was beaming. I asked her where she was going…..She said that her and her Ex had gotten back together. I was genuinely happy for her. I said, “sometimes we need a little time alone” She said, “five years….and laughed.” I said, “I bet the kids are happy?” She said, “yes they are.” I said, “C’est la vie!” And we nodded to say good bye. I shut the door and proceeded to find a bowl and dump my meal in to it and added so much cilantro to it that I considered my daily ration of vegetable’s to be filled. I collapsed on the couch and began flipping channels and trying to forget how exhausted and in pain I was. Not to mention the thoughts that rose about most likely being alone for the rest of my days. I was genuinely happy for her, but couldn’t help think that it was because she was younger, fitter and most importantly, not disabled.
I really do try and live in the moment, and not reflect on the past or the future maybe’s….but hey, how realistic is that? We learn from our past, and sometimes need to rehash it to remember for our future decisions. We also need to look forward in order to set goals. So living in the moment is important to stay focused. But in reality the past and future are just as.
By now I have figured out that the very act of walking and my unstable spine are what causes the crescendo of pain in my body. Part of the reason for getting a wheelchair. I can do small walking stints with lots of rest in between around my apartment. But it’s the longer strides and hard pavement that takes me out. My joints threaten to dislocate around home, but at least I know I can sit down or make my way to a comfortable place here. Being out and about is a major decision in the what if’s. It makes me nervous and takes my feeling at least 75% confident that I can pull it off. It happens rarely, and usually out of desperation to be outside of my own company. It usually involves me going to get groceries. My world is small, and only getting smaller. I have for the most part given up on trying to make new friends. And the old ones have pretty much disappeared. Either by their choice, or me just not having the energy to expend to keep up.
Each Day a new beginning…..Each day a new attitude….Each day a new chance to find a glimmer of light and a bit of hope.