Bidding Time

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We are all just bidding time until our days are done…..

In therapy today I fully admitted that I think a lot about why I am still here and what the purpose of it all is. I added after she asked if I was suicidal, that a few days a week I think about it but that I had no plans in place, and that I would never be able to do it anyway. I just think about it often, but always settle for packing my shit and running away if anything. But then I think about all the energy that would take and all the people that could probably care less if I did. Not that I am trying scare anyone, or look for attention. I really do wish I could leave, but fear the consequences if I did. At least here I have a few people I can call when I really need too. So I abandon my plan’s and stow it away for another day of self pity or strength to carry it out. My huge sense of responsibility anchors me. 

It’s little beautiful things that keep my interest. Like the decent of a spent Orchid blossom from the corner of my eye. And then two in one day. Sometimes I look for the symbolism. Or just gasp at knowing that one by one each blossom will have it’s final freedom from the branch. Fade and shrivel. We all do that……

I cried. I joked. I talked about things that I don’t think I have ever admitted to anyone before. We all have secrets. And we all have our versions of shared ones too. We hear things and process them according to our experiences. Someone may say something and mean it a certain way. But the recipient might interpret it totally wrong depending on their current ability to hear. Lately the messages have been coming through with self deprecating meanings to me. I try my hardest to counter them and seek a more positive twist. But my brain is battling me at every turn. Depression is an ugly game player and some days I feel like one of those fading flowers. 

I really like my therapist. But even she asked if I could afford to see her more then once a month. I said, “I really can’t, so I’ll make an appointment in July and we will go from there.” I plan on going back, but maybe I’ll find a light between now and then. Who knows. All we can do is ride the waves……

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About Happilyeverafter1959

Photographer, Writer, Artist, Gardener, Mother, Grandmother, Daughter, Sister, Friend. I am learning how to navigate a new chapter in my life. I was in a relationship for 30 years and now I am not. Stranger things could happen. And they have. I am blogging my way to freedom of that relationship and into the next hopefully happier part of my life. Join me as I share my thoughts and fears and trials along the way. Currently writing about my Disability that is Ehlers Danlos Syndrome and how I am dealing, or not dealing with it post divorce. View all posts by Happilyeverafter1959

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