I actually wrote this entry about a week and half ago and I am finally getting back to it. I don’t quite remember why I abandoned it. But I do remember I was in a really dark place at the time. I am a bit better the past few days because I finally had some focus and some actual company. Not just my chit chat with Facebook friends and background voices on the television.We also had a family gathering and I am exhausted. When I overwork myself physically my mental health is better, but my physical challenges amp up, as well as the pain. It is really hard to function. As a result my sleep suffers and it takes me out for a few days recovering. This time however I am going to try and challenge myself to work through some of the pain a bit more. I mean, what have I got to lose….maybe a few extra days on the couch. My Horizontal life…..
Life is a series of changes both good and bad. We all face them. We all handle them in our own way. We also tend to get suggestions from others that may or may not be helpful. I welcome a different point of view as long as it’s coming from a good place. Occasionally though we are offered criticism and judgement for our choices. I don’t handle that well. Usually I shut down and internalize my anger or fear. I stew about it and often times end up shutting others out and off. I am easily offended and lack self esteem. As a result I have learned to put on fronts and false strength as to not let others think that I am struggling.
It’s all coming back to bite me. Although I know that some can see right through me, I have put enough distance that perhaps they are afraid to offer me help thinking I will shoot them down, get offended…..or my worst fear, they have all decided to let me eat it. Maybe I’ve unintentionally burnt too many bridges.
This isn’t my first conclusion however. My first is ……… They just couldn’t give a shit. I am not worth their time and energy. Or they just think I am exaggerating my disabilities. That’s the anxiety that talks to me more often that not.
I have no clue what is true.
Everyone wants to be strong and self sufficient. At least I think so. Admitting that I need help is really hard for me and I often wonder if my delivery is poor. Since my divorce I have lost almost everyone that I thought were my friends. But I guess divorce does that according to some. No one wants messy in their lives. I always thought of myself as a bubbly easy to be around person. Yes, you can be that and be an introvert too. I like my alone time, but also need others to not feel so alone at times. Introverts get lonely too. I also realize that it’s hard to be around someone who struggles with depression and a lack of energy. I also know I don’t have much to offer these days other than my raw unedited self. I am done candy coating things. Time to be real. Why is it that when you have nothing to bargain with, such as money, strength, “things,” You are often forgotten. Seems like we all have to wave our flags and interview for top billing. “Sure, I’ll pencil you in” But! If something better comes along things could change. No loyalty or commitment these days. We are a society of non committal, always looking for the next best thing, meat sacks wandering around like zombies.
Recently I posted this on Facebook…..”Trying to remember life before Facebook”
So far I have this for responses.
“My phone rang, and I got more snail mail and email” Said one friend…
And another, “People hung out together and listened to each other, instead of being divided and spewing hate about a stupid political Facebook post.”
Then someone said, “I can’t” While another posted, “Before cell phones people called. People made dates to get together. Watched concerts in the park, and”
Canoed, went boating, played Field softball, went on Long walks, and Laughed out loud for reals!”
The answers stopped there. Since then I have scaled my Facebook obsession back. I unfollowed a bunch of pages and am refraining from reposting a bunch ubiquitous quotes and memes that litter my feed daily. I am trying to stick with personal reflections and newness. Trying very hard to look forward and stop rehashing the past. As well as wasting time. God knows I’ve done plenty of that….. I intend to write more. Create art. And read. As well I plan on finding small adventures near and farther away. I think I am going to plan a middle of the week mini vacation all by myself somewhere this summer. I need to test the waters for my future dreamt of adventures that I hope to take some day. If I can’t have a loyal travel companion…..I will need to find a way to do it myself.
I will be fine…..