Gratitude

Do you ever sit and think…..What am I grateful for? 

I find myself being reminded now and again that I should be grateful. That I should count my blessings. That if only I would do this, or that……I would find more happiness. And if we all did this, perhaps our dreams would be realized. Our lives would be filled with more joy, love and contentment. 

I agree that finding the light, in the dark, makes it a tad bit less bleak. But I also know that life is a balance, sometimes out of…….but, without the dark, there would be no stars….. As the saying goes. 

Today I am more grateful than some other days because I feel happy for no apparent reason. I am going with it. No over the moon happy. Just happy. And that could change at any moment. After all life is a constant changing set of circumstances. You might be able to predict an outcome. But all it would take is a shift of the unknown to shatter the dream. 

So that brings us to expectation and our need to control a certain outcome. I spent much of my life full of anxiety for one reason or the other. Maybe it’s a part of my genetic makeup. Maybe it’s learned. Maybe it was a set of circumstances built on one another. It took me to become so “crazy out of mind” and suicidal, agoraphobic, and desperate to reach out one last time, and grasp on to life. I got onto my computer after calling my insurance company and not being able to get into a therapist within network and finding a random, but perhaps not so Therapist who was able to see me within a few hours that day.  He taught me the tools I needed to find my way back. Simple but complex if you don’t have content. I spent twice a week with him basically spilling my guts with him gently inserting thought change in where needed. After many months, and over a year I learned to see things differently. 

Over the past several years I have grown with the one simple truth that life is meant to be lived in the moment. And to essentially go with the flow. After all, it is, what it is. I am ever grateful for these lessons. And interference from the greater universe. 

Now I will have to say that it is often not easy to accept it when it feels so dire, so uncomfortable. Like it’s the grand finale. But most days I welcome the end without fear. I use to be so afraid of the end. The unknown. But think about it. You can make all the plans in the world with anticipation and excitement for your perceived outcome and all it takes is a shift in thought, in play, or interference by any unknown cause to change the outcome. So with that……I have learned to not expect an outcome but to be open to whatever happens. It’s much less stressful that way. Less anxiety. Or if your lucky, none. 

I use to have this feeling in the pit of my stomach that emanated through my body in outward creepy crawly vibrations. I felt like I had something residing in my soul. As if I were possessed. My therapist put a image…..a name to it. Homunculus. I had never heard this word before. I asked what it meant. 

ho·mun·cu·lus

həˈməNGkyələs,hōˈməNGkyələs/

noun

1. a very small human or humanoid creature.

   • historical

     a supposed microscopic but fully formed human being from which a fetus was formerly believed to develop.

     Once I had this definition I was able to caress it like a friend. I invited it to stay. Seems crazy. Right? But think about it. The more you resist something, the stronger it seems to get. It took me a long long time to realize that this was a gift of sorts. It taught me to be patient and listen.

    

   I am grateful for this lesson. I wanted to be so right about so many things that it blinded me to other possibilities. As the years have past, and my learning about the buddhist philosophy’s which his lessons were based on, I can finally find peace within even the darkest of times. It doesn’t mean I like it. But it means that I am much more accepting of the unexpected, or the things I have absolutely no control over. My expectations are lower, and as a result I am much less anxious and a lot more grateful. 

   I reach for the stars, but stay grounded in knowing that anything could happen. I make plans for my future, but know that it may not turn out the way I would like it too. It’s okay to dream. It’s okay to make plans and set goals. It’s also okay to be disappointed and sad. As long as we don’t attach a certain outcome to it. And most importantly…..

   Live in the moment and be grateful for every breath we get to breathe.